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Josef Newgarden Forced To Drive 500 Miles To Pick Up Dry Cleaning

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - Furrowing his brow at the clock as he pressed down harder on the gas pedal, Indy 500 winner Josef Newgarden was reportedly forced to drive 500 miles around Indianapolis on Sunday in order to pick up his dry cleaning.

“I really wish I’d known what I was getting myself into before I dropped this stuff off last week,” said the visibly stressed driver, who had already navigated six hours of back roads through the state’s challenging terrain, hoping to pick up several suit options he needed for a gala.

“They close at five, so I’m really cutting it close. It’s too bad, because these guys are the best, and it used to take only 30 minutes or so, meaning I could pop over after work, no problem. All the good stores are back the way I came, too, so I can’t say ‘Screw it’ and just buy something new instead. Ugh, I’m going to have to go to the mean dry cleaner closer to my house that ruined my suede blazer without so much as an apology.”

At press time, sources confirmed Josef had made it to the business eight minutes before closing, only to realize he had left his claim ticket at home.